chapterfive

        "I don't know, I guess just being there, and doing those things can be triggering. That's I guess really why it is so hard for me to go there," I told Anna about my recent trip to my grandparents house.

        "What things?"

        I shrugged, "I don't know."

        She watched me quietly. She wanted an answer. I think she truly hates it when I try to brush things off by saying that I don't know.

        "Pretending to be happy, going to church, laying in the dark for hours since they go to sleep so early, talking about what's new with me like they haven't already heard everything from my mother, and um... eating," I eventually said.

        I could tell Anna was thinking. She was nodding her head slightly, and glanced toward the window for a short moment.

        "Ya know, you've been seeing me for a few months now, and that's one thing we haven't really talked too much about,"she paused. "What exactly about eating can be so triggering?"

        She was on to something, I knew she was, but what?

        "Um well, I just um, I guess mostly because they're not used to my eating habits. They don't know that I don't usually eat very much, and whenever I go there they just pile so much food on my plate. For every meal they do this, and it's just... too much."

        "Hmm. What is a normal amount of food in a day for you? Are there any foods you wont eat, or meals that you tend to skip?"

        "Well, I guess it all depends on the day. Some days I will eat less than 500 calories, and other times I will eat up to 1500. It's quite rare for me to go over that. And foods I wont eat? I guess, like, pizza, cake and brownies, certain types of meat, and lately, cereal. Also, pancakes, but that's because they make me sick. That's pretty much it. Oh, and usually I skip lunch, and sometimes breakfast. That's it though."

        "What does each meal normally look like?"

        "Um, usually breakfast is an egg, sometimes a bagel if I'm eating more that day. I almost always skip lunch, but I mean, I usually eat something once I get home later in the afternoon. That usually is my 'snack' for the day. And then dinner is a little of whatever my parents made."

        "Do you ever get hungry?"

        "Sometimes. Like at school. Sometimes I might get a little dizzy, but I usually just ignore it and it goes away."

        She was thinking again. I hate this silence. Ugh, if only I could read minds...

        "That's not a lot of food, Grace. It seems like you're not giving your body enough nutrients to really move forward in the day."

        "Yea..."

        "Grace, how do you you feel about your body?"

        Why? Seriously, why does she have to ask all these questions? They're not important. I'm fine, really, I am.

        "I, um, I uh don't know."

        "Tell me."

        "I, um, I guess I just I don't know, I don't really like it. Just overall, I'm not a big fan of it."

        "Hmm. How would you feel if I referred you to a specialist for your eating? I think it might be a good idea."

        "No," I said kind of abruptly. I didn't want to be talking about this, let alone go see a specialist.

        "I think it would be a good thing for you, Grace. As your therapist, I must make decisions to help you. I don't want to leave any bases untouched in your treatment if they could be possible factors to your depression and anxiety."

        I was at a loss of words.

        No, please no. I can't do this. I'm fine, I swear. I don't want to see anyone. Oh my God, please. I don't need to see a specialist. My parents would be so disappointed. I truly am fine. Why am I even here? Why did I even say anything? I hate myself. Everything. I hate all of this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. No one can stop me. I don't want to change. I'm scared. No...

        "Grace? You've become awful quiet all of a sudden. What's going on?"

        I was going to start crying. My eyes were stinging, my heart was racing, and everything going on started to become blurry. I started breathing faster, but I continued to fight the tears lingering at the corner of my eyes. I was panicking, and trying to hold it all together. Anna was watching me as I slowly was falling apart right in front of her.

        "I- I'm sorry. I'm fine. Just a lot of things are, um, swarming through my head right now, that's all."

        "What things?" She sat there watching me as I continued to panic, and tried to fight back the tears that were dying so much to fall.

        "I don't want to see her, I don't want to change. And my parents. No- I can't."

        "I know you don't really like to talk to your parents, I understand, but I think it is important that you talk to them. If it would be easier, I could call them. Grace, I think it would be best if you spoke to the eating disorder specialist. I don't believe she is working tomorrow, but I can contact her and..." She continued, but everything started to become a blur except for the one thought that kept repeating in my head.

        I don't have an eating disorder. No, I'm fine.