chapterfour

          My first appointment with Anna was so frightening for me. The whole week before hand was horrible as I waited for the day to come. On the day of my appointment I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't consume anything, because I felt like anything that I would eat would cause me to throw up. The look of food was not appealing at all. I just felt sick. My stomach was in knots, and I could not keep myself from shaking.

          By the time school was over I was a complete mess. I had to rush directly to the appointment from school. I tried to talk with my mom to distract me, but my anxiety was taking over me. I was shaking. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like throwing up, even though there was nothing in my stomach to purge. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

          Once we pulled up to the building I knew there was absolutely no way I could get out of it. I walked through the doors and in to the elevator, and that was when I knew everything was real. Everything seemed like such a dream until that exact moment. It scared me more than ever.

          I walked slowly behind my mother to the front desk.

          "Hi, we're here for Grace Petersonn's appointment at 3 o'clock," my mother said in her professional voice.

          "Okay. Anna will be out in a minute or so. Please make yourselves comfortable in the waiting room," the lady at the front desk said.

          I turned and found two chairs that seemed to be away from the other people waiting. I looked down at my trembling knees, and tried to relax. But relaxing didn't really seem like an option at the moment. I kept looking down at my trembling knees, and started to wonder whether or not anyone could hear my heart pounding.

          "Grace?"

          I looked up quickly to see a pretty lady smiling at me.

          "Uh, um. Yes?"

          "Hi, my name is Anna Johnson. I will be your therapist. Why don't you two come with me to my office."

          Just like that. I stood up, and followed her down several long hallways. My heart pounded faster and faster. She stopped, unlocked a door with her name on it, and had us sit in two chairs by a big window.

          "So, what has brought you in here today, Grace."

          We talked briefly about how everything works in therapy: the confidentiality policy, what we'll be working on, and so forth.

          "Okay, so Mrs. Petersonn I'm going to have you wait in the waiting room while I talk to Grace for a little bit. We'll be out shortly. I just want to ask her a couple of questions, and then I will see you both next week."

          My mom left, and my anxiety started to grow again. I had just started to relax a little and stop shaking, but now I was right back to where I had started.

          "How are you, Grace?"

          "I'm fine," I lied. I smiled like I always did whenever someone asked that question.

          "Hmm, 'fine'? What does 'fine' mean exactly?"

          She could see right through me. She could see through that smile that everyone says is so bright, and those two words I use way more than I really should.
          "Um, well, um..."