chapterone

          I was completely frozen. My mind had gone in to a frantic state. I felt her watching me, waiting for an answer. My heart started racing as my therapist waited for me to answer her question. The thing is that my mind had gone completely blank, and I didn't know how to answer her.
          "I-I, uh, I don't know," I stuttered.
          She didn't say anything. It's almost like she didn't hear me. She did though, and she was waiting for me to know. My heart was racing as I frantically looked around the room, hoping that all of a sudden I'd find the right answer. I couldn't think of anything though.
          "I just, um, I don't really know," I repeated.
          She continued to watch me. My anxiety was really starting to get to me.
          Oh, please. Please just stop.
          The silence had put me into panic mode. I wanted to give her an answer, but I just couldn't find the answer. I started to feel like I was going to cry from all the pressure.
          No, no, no, no. I can't do this. Don't cry, Grace. Keep yourself together. You rarely ever cry. Why are you going to start crying? Just try to smile. Come on. You must keep fighting.          I couldn't even put on a smile. I just stared back at her. It was so silent that I could almost hear my heart beating out of my chest. I just continued to look back directly into her eyes in hope that just maybe she would realize I actually don't have an answer.
          "Okay, well would you be willing to talk to your parents about this?"
          Oh, thank God. She spoke. Wait, um, what? Shoot, she's expecting me to answer.
          "Um, about what exactly? Sorry."
          "Well, about your depression, and your hidden feelings."
          I sat there thinking for a second. Memories started hitting me left and right.
          "Um," I swallowed deeply. "I don't think so. I just couldn't."
          "Okay. Well, would you like to further explain to me why you don't think you could?"
          Ugh. Why do I have to go through this right now? I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like she has my emotions at the palm of her hand. Or like she's backing me into a dark corner where there is no escape. I want to stay strong. I must, but she keeps trying to make me emotional or something, and it's killing me.
          I cleared my throat and adjusted my blouse. I made sure to keep myself from making eye contact. I didn't want to answer.
          "Grace?"
          "Yea?"
          "Why don't you think you'd be able to talk to your parents?"
          A spark of anger started to rise in me.
          "You want to know why? Because my parents just don't understand. They think everything is fine and dandy. They don't realize that I'm hurting. They are making me talk to you, because they think I'm crazy," I paused. "They don't even know what I'm feeling."
          "What are you feeling, Grace?"
          "Everything. I don't even flipping know what I feel anymore. I'm just a mess inside. I'm hurting so much. I constantly feel like I'm drowning in my own feelings. I can't even breathe anymore. I want to be strong, but I can't. I'm breaking inside. And no one can even see it."
          I stopped as my heart started to hurt. Everything was just getting to be too much. My therapist, Anna, just sat there quietly. She was thinking.
          "When you first walked in to my office, I noticed. I noticed that even though you were smiling and laughing, you were hurting inside. I could see it in your eyes. I could see that you weren't happy like you were playing off to be. When I asked how you were, you answered that you were fine, but I knew otherwise. Grace, you may feel like you're alone in this world right now, and that no one understands, but I'm willing to bet that someone does. As a therapist I am here to listen to you; to help you get through these times. You don't have to feel alone, because I am here for you. When you're here with me you don't have to feel afraid to be yourself. I am here to help you get through this, but in order for me to help you I'm going to need you to help let me in."